so many changes and yet

still, reading the last post while sitting here way too awake at this hour (glance at the time stamp) brings me to realize the only change from the previous entry is that my roommate is back (and her little dog too, ah, my pretty, cackle)... actually, there are some other major changes, but only partly... the ear rings, the clutter is even more cluttered, the pain in the neck comes and goes, and the loneliness is louder than every some nights (like tonight)... changes include a new bed... and a hurt foot... the bed, however, is still in it's plastic wrapper... has been long before the foot was injured, but now the foot is keeping me from doing anything so the procrastination has a fine actual physical excuse...

it's bullshit, of course, because i probably wouldn't have done anything if i could, but it's a true physical limitation... the noise remains... clutter and loneliness screaming the loudest, with the actual ear ringing and foot and neck almost as loud... bloat and fatigue smack me around physically as well... all in all, the self-destruction is quite effective...

so?

see previous entries

yes, tv, yes, tinnitus, yes, clutter, yes, sleeping on the couch, yes, pain in the neck, yes, missing company, yes, missing sharing, yes, talking to myself, yes, loneliness, yes, not much moved since the last entry... though tonight i spent a couple of hours moving stuff around... the stuff is screaming through the silence... or is that loneliness... tough to tell over the tinnitus...

no0ne

a typo creates the title that was meant to be none and yet, the zero turning none into no one is so much more poignant, perhaps... for i don't know what to do with the silence... i became so accustomed to having a roommate to look after, to take care of, a girl and her dog, that i don't know what to so with myself now... the tv is the background noise that keeps me from realizing how alone and silent the space has become... the couch is part bed... the space, still so full of her stuff, remains frozen in time... and the background noise that is missing is the loudest sound of all...

they call it, tinnitus

tinnitus was it's name, not like an old western spoof, but the constant shrieking of banchees coming from the left (not politically, i hope) that even my precise mental control and concentration and focus does not always remove from consciousness, especially late at night or when the blood pressure rises like after meals...

distraction, though, when i really want quiet...

i miss silence...

car troubles

the ear rings, but life goes on... and though the noise of the transmission and engine are not nearly as stressful and annoying as the noise of the lack of money cuz if money was no object the car would be replaced by a new car every year, but here, now, the car is old and needs major repair or replacing and with life events falling as they have in the last couple of years, giving more away than i have once again, adopting another who drained me of resources, the car is louder than ever and stress could keep me awake at nights...

or is that the sound of the highway calling again...

tv tv la la la la tv

what's that song?... roly poly something... earthworms... also something else... fishheads... yeah, dr demento... and tv, of course, tv to keep the mind distracted from the sleep it craves cuz there's the illusion of sharing on the screen, in the ears, in the eyes, in the mind...

how about you? :}

food

food is not a fair substitute for sharing, yet it has become the background noise calling my name in the silence simply because no one else does...

constant screaming

also known as tinnitus... at least it's only in one ear... i think i hear it more now that i no longer have a tv... among other things...