so many changes and yet

still, reading the last post while sitting here way too awake at this hour (glance at the time stamp) brings me to realize the only change from the previous entry is that my roommate is back (and her little dog too, ah, my pretty, cackle)... actually, there are some other major changes, but only partly... the ear rings, the clutter is even more cluttered, the pain in the neck comes and goes, and the loneliness is louder than every some nights (like tonight)... changes include a new bed... and a hurt foot... the bed, however, is still in it's plastic wrapper... has been long before the foot was injured, but now the foot is keeping me from doing anything so the procrastination has a fine actual physical excuse...

it's bullshit, of course, because i probably wouldn't have done anything if i could, but it's a true physical limitation... the noise remains... clutter and loneliness screaming the loudest, with the actual ear ringing and foot and neck almost as loud... bloat and fatigue smack me around physically as well... all in all, the self-destruction is quite effective...

so?

see previous entries

yes, tv, yes, tinnitus, yes, clutter, yes, sleeping on the couch, yes, pain in the neck, yes, missing company, yes, missing sharing, yes, talking to myself, yes, loneliness, yes, not much moved since the last entry... though tonight i spent a couple of hours moving stuff around... the stuff is screaming through the silence... or is that loneliness... tough to tell over the tinnitus...

no0ne

a typo creates the title that was meant to be none and yet, the zero turning none into no one is so much more poignant, perhaps... for i don't know what to do with the silence... i became so accustomed to having a roommate to look after, to take care of, a girl and her dog, that i don't know what to so with myself now... the tv is the background noise that keeps me from realizing how alone and silent the space has become... the couch is part bed... the space, still so full of her stuff, remains frozen in time... and the background noise that is missing is the loudest sound of all...

tv tv la la la la tv

what's that song?... roly poly something... earthworms... also something else... fishheads... yeah, dr demento... and tv, of course, tv to keep the mind distracted from the sleep it craves cuz there's the illusion of sharing on the screen, in the ears, in the eyes, in the mind...

how about you? :}

suc suk fuc fuk cluc cluk

sex everywhere, nearly naked people smiling knowingly, you know, knowingly, and all the maturity is nothing but repression, righteous death of the senses, as if that's a good thing... maybe some delusion of a life after death in some skybox is enough for most everybody else (or so they've like us to believe, dumb hypocrits, as if they aren't naked in their lies), but i'll take the sex (but which scantilly clad nubile toned body is not just teasing, liars all) and sensory pleasure in this life cuz why else be alive... you don't want to enjoy the physical, just die and get wherever it is you think you're going...

stop being background noise in your own life...

libbo likes tv, sometimes

i used to watch heroes on monday night... before i started playing softball and gave up tv... recently, i plugged the tv back in (you may have heard, it was in all the newspapers)... but the channel that has heroes does not come in clearly at all... it doesn't matter much, since i am out playing softball a couple of nights a week... tonight i got home early and watched the end of chuck, which reminded me of a show about a guy with nanobots inside, jake 2.0... and though the picture is terrible, memory smiles at the simple escape heroes was for a while... save the cheerleader and save the world... i loved watching the cheerleader run... ah, silly libido :)

the picture isn't good enough to actually enjoy watching, but listening, the story seems pretty much the same as it was that first season i watched... and then another show, seems odd, so anybody ever watch medium out there?...

background people

when you stop sharing on a daily basis, you become the background noise of a personal life...

keeping busy

keeping busy is just another way to avoid feeling the loneliness of being without a true partner who shares everything with you in this life... and background noise just keeps you from hearing the silence...

but first you have to find me

if you do not understand my words...

how could you know...

if there was ever true silence?...

consistency

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?