so many changes and yet

still, reading the last post while sitting here way too awake at this hour (glance at the time stamp) brings me to realize the only change from the previous entry is that my roommate is back (and her little dog too, ah, my pretty, cackle)... actually, there are some other major changes, but only partly... the ear rings, the clutter is even more cluttered, the pain in the neck comes and goes, and the loneliness is louder than every some nights (like tonight)... changes include a new bed... and a hurt foot... the bed, however, is still in it's plastic wrapper... has been long before the foot was injured, but now the foot is keeping me from doing anything so the procrastination has a fine actual physical excuse...

it's bullshit, of course, because i probably wouldn't have done anything if i could, but it's a true physical limitation... the noise remains... clutter and loneliness screaming the loudest, with the actual ear ringing and foot and neck almost as loud... bloat and fatigue smack me around physically as well... all in all, the self-destruction is quite effective...

so?

see previous entries

yes, tv, yes, tinnitus, yes, clutter, yes, sleeping on the couch, yes, pain in the neck, yes, missing company, yes, missing sharing, yes, talking to myself, yes, loneliness, yes, not much moved since the last entry... though tonight i spent a couple of hours moving stuff around... the stuff is screaming through the silence... or is that loneliness... tough to tell over the tinnitus...

no0ne

a typo creates the title that was meant to be none and yet, the zero turning none into no one is so much more poignant, perhaps... for i don't know what to do with the silence... i became so accustomed to having a roommate to look after, to take care of, a girl and her dog, that i don't know what to so with myself now... the tv is the background noise that keeps me from realizing how alone and silent the space has become... the couch is part bed... the space, still so full of her stuff, remains frozen in time... and the background noise that is missing is the loudest sound of all...

car troubles

the ear rings, but life goes on... and though the noise of the transmission and engine are not nearly as stressful and annoying as the noise of the lack of money cuz if money was no object the car would be replaced by a new car every year, but here, now, the car is old and needs major repair or replacing and with life events falling as they have in the last couple of years, giving more away than i have once again, adopting another who drained me of resources, the car is louder than ever and stress could keep me awake at nights...

or is that the sound of the highway calling again...

life is full of it

new spaces, having moved last week, and the background noises have changed... there's the relatively constant noise of passing cars and trucks as the expressway is just a hundred yards or so from where i sit, so that'll take a bit of getting used to... the place is a lot smaller, so the sounds are closer inside, whatever sounds there are (tv, pipes, cabinets, fridge, air conditioner, and so on)... tv has been more in the background than ever as interest has waned of late, the same old reruns and a few new shows but nothing grabbing me away from whatever else i am doing... and that's just the audible background noise...

work is a constant, almost nagging background noise lately more than ever as the workload just continues to increase while the me as a department of one remains the same... so dominant is the busy-ness of business (working) these days that it is popping up everywhere even in the ancillary blog like this one… that must be a sign of the dull-boy syndrome… i wonder if there is a there a dull-girl syndrome….

tv tv la la la la tv

what's that song?... roly poly something... earthworms... also something else... fishheads... yeah, dr demento... and tv, of course, tv to keep the mind distracted from the sleep it craves cuz there's the illusion of sharing on the screen, in the ears, in the eyes, in the mind...

how about you? :}

suc suk fuc fuk cluc cluk

sex everywhere, nearly naked people smiling knowingly, you know, knowingly, and all the maturity is nothing but repression, righteous death of the senses, as if that's a good thing... maybe some delusion of a life after death in some skybox is enough for most everybody else (or so they've like us to believe, dumb hypocrits, as if they aren't naked in their lies), but i'll take the sex (but which scantilly clad nubile toned body is not just teasing, liars all) and sensory pleasure in this life cuz why else be alive... you don't want to enjoy the physical, just die and get wherever it is you think you're going...

stop being background noise in your own life...

tinnitus

constant, steady, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssometimes screaking, sometimes piercing, some time sooooo distracting the world can hardly get in... constant, through every activity, through sleep, waking, every moment, always present...

food

food is not a fair substitute for sharing, yet it has become the background noise calling my name in the silence simply because no one else does...

background people

when you stop sharing on a daily basis, you become the background noise of a personal life...

constant screaming

also known as tinnitus... at least it's only in one ear... i think i hear it more now that i no longer have a tv... among other things...

keeping busy

keeping busy is just another way to avoid feeling the loneliness of being without a true partner who shares everything with you in this life... and background noise just keeps you from hearing the silence...

dreaming at walmart

it started in walmart of all places, but soon slipped into a multi-layered world where psychological games and button pushing was (were?) being attempted after i asked to speak to a gm (general manager) to report an unsafe situation and my observation of harassment of an injured employee (he had a bandaged hand due to an on-the-job injury caused by a raccoon or other animal bite that occurred when he reached into a vent to clean the vent and his supervisor was yelling at him repeatedly for not using both hands to do his job)... after i was shown to a waiting area where a girl behind a counter handed me a crumpled paper with personal communications on it and told me to wait, i watched a dozen people called in and some arrived after i did so i asked how they would know who i am or when to call on me if there was no identification information exchanged, i was lead into three different warehouse areas (much like a sam's club layout) and had to ask various people to direct me to the gm's office and was directed further into large warehouse-like sam's-club-like rooms... as i was approaching the third or fourth such entrance to another area, a man started walking beside me pressing on my back... i repeatedly asked him to stop touching me and he started poking me... i stopped and looking around, mostly ignoring him... i woke just as this employee, last name ryer, or something close to that (he refused to show me his nametag), first name might have been rosco, started slapping my face and saying you "you are out of control" and "you are hurting yourself" in an attempt to provoke me and attract attention as if i was hurting myself and he required assistance at which point, arms at my side, i looked at another employee and said "you are witnessing a crime, i want you to call the police"...

dreams...