not less noise

just less noticed... that is what happens when life gets busy and the focus of the brain is on rushing around just getting things done, interacting with others, taking care of business, and simply (or not so simply at times) in many more ways, living the life... the clutter remains, even if it is moved around a bit... no time to think about it, no less do something about it... must make time for laundry though... the constant screaming of the tinnitus gets lost in the hustle and bustle and concentration on other things, but it remains a constant distraction and much of the time, constant irritant to the subconscious which can have so many detrimental effects, the most serious likely to be reduced rem sleep, or at least reduced deep sleep, so the body and mind gets used to never being as rested as it can be which probably takes a decade or few off the life span, alas... it may at times stimulate creativity by irritating the mind and at times squash it, not just with fatigue, but with distraction... in the quiet moments, it leaves me wondering if anybody cares...

and does anyone share a similar experience...

flash

didn't even notice another year go by

almost forgotten, almost ignored

almost... the ear rings... the neck aches... the foot healed... the arm hurts... the belly bloat comes and goes... the dog begs... the dog farts... the dog stares... and lots of catching up on daytime tv, ncis, castle, the mentalist, psych, dr. who (probably leaving some out) and nature and science shows... chilly temperatures... moved into a new place so the highway sounds are gone, a lot more birds in the morning, sweet natures sounds... bigger place, more comfortable space, we love it here... though clutter of boxes in the bedroom as the arm injury has delayed unpacking... all this background noise plays as i relax most days in a semi-retirement between jobs (not looking, but if the right job found me i'd probably go back to work)...

what's going on in your background noise?...

so many changes and yet

still, reading the last post while sitting here way too awake at this hour (glance at the time stamp) brings me to realize the only change from the previous entry is that my roommate is back (and her little dog too, ah, my pretty, cackle)... actually, there are some other major changes, but only partly... the ear rings, the clutter is even more cluttered, the pain in the neck comes and goes, and the loneliness is louder than every some nights (like tonight)... changes include a new bed... and a hurt foot... the bed, however, is still in it's plastic wrapper... has been long before the foot was injured, but now the foot is keeping me from doing anything so the procrastination has a fine actual physical excuse...

it's bullshit, of course, because i probably wouldn't have done anything if i could, but it's a true physical limitation... the noise remains... clutter and loneliness screaming the loudest, with the actual ear ringing and foot and neck almost as loud... bloat and fatigue smack me around physically as well... all in all, the self-destruction is quite effective...

so?

forgetting

i forget about it too easily which is a blessing and a curse... the blessing is less conscious distraction, frustration, or agony while the curse is doing nothing about the continuous subconscious distraction, frustration, and agony... it's ok though, i am too busy to think... and too busy to wonder if i am too busy to care...

see previous entries

yes, tv, yes, tinnitus, yes, clutter, yes, sleeping on the couch, yes, pain in the neck, yes, missing company, yes, missing sharing, yes, talking to myself, yes, loneliness, yes, not much moved since the last entry... though tonight i spent a couple of hours moving stuff around... the stuff is screaming through the silence... or is that loneliness... tough to tell over the tinnitus...

no0ne

a typo creates the title that was meant to be none and yet, the zero turning none into no one is so much more poignant, perhaps... for i don't know what to do with the silence... i became so accustomed to having a roommate to look after, to take care of, a girl and her dog, that i don't know what to so with myself now... the tv is the background noise that keeps me from realizing how alone and silent the space has become... the couch is part bed... the space, still so full of her stuff, remains frozen in time... and the background noise that is missing is the loudest sound of all...