almost forgotten, almost ignored

almost... the ear rings... the neck aches... the foot healed... the arm hurts... the belly bloat comes and goes... the dog begs... the dog farts... the dog stares... and lots of catching up on daytime tv, ncis, castle, the mentalist, psych, dr. who (probably leaving some out) and nature and science shows... chilly temperatures... moved into a new place so the highway sounds are gone, a lot more birds in the morning, sweet natures sounds... bigger place, more comfortable space, we love it here... though clutter of boxes in the bedroom as the arm injury has delayed unpacking... all this background noise plays as i relax most days in a semi-retirement between jobs (not looking, but if the right job found me i'd probably go back to work)...

what's going on in your background noise?...

so many changes and yet

still, reading the last post while sitting here way too awake at this hour (glance at the time stamp) brings me to realize the only change from the previous entry is that my roommate is back (and her little dog too, ah, my pretty, cackle)... actually, there are some other major changes, but only partly... the ear rings, the clutter is even more cluttered, the pain in the neck comes and goes, and the loneliness is louder than every some nights (like tonight)... changes include a new bed... and a hurt foot... the bed, however, is still in it's plastic wrapper... has been long before the foot was injured, but now the foot is keeping me from doing anything so the procrastination has a fine actual physical excuse...

it's bullshit, of course, because i probably wouldn't have done anything if i could, but it's a true physical limitation... the noise remains... clutter and loneliness screaming the loudest, with the actual ear ringing and foot and neck almost as loud... bloat and fatigue smack me around physically as well... all in all, the self-destruction is quite effective...

so?

see previous entries

yes, tv, yes, tinnitus, yes, clutter, yes, sleeping on the couch, yes, pain in the neck, yes, missing company, yes, missing sharing, yes, talking to myself, yes, loneliness, yes, not much moved since the last entry... though tonight i spent a couple of hours moving stuff around... the stuff is screaming through the silence... or is that loneliness... tough to tell over the tinnitus...

they call it, tinnitus

tinnitus was it's name, not like an old western spoof, but the constant shrieking of banchees coming from the left (not politically, i hope) that even my precise mental control and concentration and focus does not always remove from consciousness, especially late at night or when the blood pressure rises like after meals...

distraction, though, when i really want quiet...

i miss silence...

car troubles

the ear rings, but life goes on... and though the noise of the transmission and engine are not nearly as stressful and annoying as the noise of the lack of money cuz if money was no object the car would be replaced by a new car every year, but here, now, the car is old and needs major repair or replacing and with life events falling as they have in the last couple of years, giving more away than i have once again, adopting another who drained me of resources, the car is louder than ever and stress could keep me awake at nights...

or is that the sound of the highway calling again...

tinnitus

constant, steady, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssometimes screaking, sometimes piercing, some time sooooo distracting the world can hardly get in... constant, through every activity, through sleep, waking, every moment, always present...

constant screaming

also known as tinnitus... at least it's only in one ear... i think i hear it more now that i no longer have a tv... among other things...