constant screaming

also known as tinnitus... at least it's only in one ear... i think i hear it more now that i no longer have a tv... among other things...

keeping busy

keeping busy is just another way to avoid feeling the loneliness of being without a true partner who shares everything with you in this life... and background noise just keeps you from hearing the silence...

dreaming at walmart

it started in walmart of all places, but soon slipped into a multi-layered world where psychological games and button pushing was (were?) being attempted after i asked to speak to a gm (general manager) to report an unsafe situation and my observation of harassment of an injured employee (he had a bandaged hand due to an on-the-job injury caused by a raccoon or other animal bite that occurred when he reached into a vent to clean the vent and his supervisor was yelling at him repeatedly for not using both hands to do his job)... after i was shown to a waiting area where a girl behind a counter handed me a crumpled paper with personal communications on it and told me to wait, i watched a dozen people called in and some arrived after i did so i asked how they would know who i am or when to call on me if there was no identification information exchanged, i was lead into three different warehouse areas (much like a sam's club layout) and had to ask various people to direct me to the gm's office and was directed further into large warehouse-like sam's-club-like rooms... as i was approaching the third or fourth such entrance to another area, a man started walking beside me pressing on my back... i repeatedly asked him to stop touching me and he started poking me... i stopped and looking around, mostly ignoring him... i woke just as this employee, last name ryer, or something close to that (he refused to show me his nametag), first name might have been rosco, started slapping my face and saying you "you are out of control" and "you are hurting yourself" in an attempt to provoke me and attract attention as if i was hurting myself and he required assistance at which point, arms at my side, i looked at another employee and said "you are witnessing a crime, i want you to call the police"...

dreams...

environs

fans

light

eeeeeeeeee

heart

buzzzz

dreams

but first you have to find me

if you do not understand my words...

how could you know...

if there was ever true silence?...

Clarity

When you stop avoiding the things that are most painful, when you stop avoiding the things that make you feel most helpless, when you address the worst of the pain you inflicted on yourself and others and that which you fear most, you may begin to reach me.

consistency

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

background noise

and if she came into my life today
would i still be indulging my oral fixation
or would she become the lust of my mouth
and would she provide even better sensation
still best of both worlds would be even better
not a fat lover who would help me die
but a fit lover who would lead to moderation
by being one wiser and stronger than i

does she exist?
someone i missed
lost in the mist
you get the gist

what if i told you it has been years since i kissed someone completely
with abandon and passion that took on a life all it's own
what if i told you it has been years since i knew someone intimately
with as certain as any feeling that i was not alone

there is a pounding in my head
and maybe it is something i ate
but life in this world offers many temptations
without moderation you seal your fate
and if you really want to leave early
then abandon all moderation
and give up everything for me
as i will for you

can anyone?
serious fun?
fifty mile run
and just begun

what if i told you it has been years since i shared trust completely
with unconditional love that made everything alright
what if i told you it has been years since i knew someone that deeply
so long now i wonder if anyone ever knew me at all
all through the night

there is a haunting in my head
and maybe it is a song i heard
hey you
i am out there looking around
all i want is someone to care
to care enough to matter
to actually enter my life
to be a friend in the flesh
to believe in love
and know it
and share it

does it happen anymore?
what else is life for?
all i see are frightened people
running for the door

what if i told you i wanted to trust you
and i wished that you would trust me?
what if i told you i wanted to love you
and i wished you would understand me
the words are way too easy

lost in the noise

everything that matters, meaning, why, lost in the noise of life, the background... this all might have been quite profound, revealing, even, had anyone notice or, had i, but the screaming easily drowned out the hope which turned the dream into a nightmare and who wants to return to nightmares, after all, given the choice... you did know there was always a choice, right?...

mind games

memories are the background noise of the mind, the distractions that play from within like the TV you aren't really listening to, but never seems to go off and then there are the fantasies, the desires and the dreams all becoming questions that tickle and haunt, sooth or grate, from soft down to sandpaper, the constant mind chatter provides a never ending stream of background noise from within... sometimes it might be a song, sometimes a story, sometimes just a glazed over stare into space... all the mind games played with or without our conscious awareness... background noise, mind games, forever...

silent music

so the joke was on me, but i still seem to have the last laugh because most of the time, nobody gets it… the blessing of such a sense of humor cannot be valued or expressed, but merely enjoyed and appreciated… someday i hope you understand, not me, but yourself… you can listen to the music (if only every song still played, but so it goes… and still i am the only one who knows)…

static

i believe in love, but i know that nobody cares today, not about me personally in the life i live, not the caring that is a verb… there is limited long distance caring, even from those who live around me, but no investment in the interactions, no compelling concern to help or take notice or truly know… it may be that the world was never meant for one who would die for love, but surely the intensity is not too much for everyone… i wander the streets, the social scenes, the private parties, the dinners and dances and movies and shows… face after face pass before my eyes and so rarely is there eye contact, so rarely is there a genuine smile of caring, no less an action… and perhaps this is the world as i have made it, but still, i believe in love… and i believe i am open to it, actually doing it, and hoping…

natural fool

the nature of a fool
is to live in distraction
like the old man living by the side of the road
with his whole life in his hands
the nature of the fool
is to live in illusion
like the one just sitting there watching the wheels
go round and round
(as if they'd do anything else)
the nature of the fool
is a turn on or a turn off
depending on how sensitive
or ignorant you are
the nature of the fool
is to live in pretention
like the wandering minstrel playing his songs for free
with belly full, but hungry

so play with yourself as long as you can
don't be afraid of your own love young man
and young girl please be everything you can be
don't let the world tell you that you're not free

the nature of the fool
is to live in exposure
as if naked is a costume that nobody dares to see
and the child laughs just to be
the nature of the fool
is to enjoy the nonsense
cuz it really doesn't matter when you're playing in disguise
so few really use their eyes

and it really doesn't matter if i'm wrong or right
but who ever finds out where they really belong
really now, really, is it all really alright?
of course it is, the fool has his, and he gives us this song

it is the nature of the fool
to see nothing is wrong
for there are no problems, only solutions
get with it now kids
it is the nature of the fool
to never really belong
no matter how much he may have wanted to once
when we were all kids

take care of each other as long as you can
as much as you can care and make it real
and learn from the fool if you cannot understand
he knows you may never know how much he can feel
how good it can feel
to live, to be, to love, to see
the magic moment shared
while everybody laughed or turned away
the fool only cared

your choice

before you get to thinking anything is real, you should take off your clothes and see if anyone laughs… if you hear silence, then nobody is paying any attention, so why bother, the illusion is nothing if not shared… the real is the moment you touch it, make it a shared experience, and invest yourself in the promise that is a connection… everything else is just background noise, distractions from the distractions of life…

television and lights

they almost never get turned off here... constant background noise... and disrespect for my wallet... or at least lack of concern and/or awareness... and of course the mess is everywhere, piles of dishes, filthy counters, garbage all over, piles of crap strewn willy nilly, all the more constant background noise and potential distraction... this is where i live... where i sleep... where i sometimes eat... where i bathe... where i keep my stuff... where i drown in background noise and distraction...

dis-traction

if my hair was longer than yours, and more full and flowing, and more praised and petted, would you want me to be a boy or a girl?... i mean, what would ease your jealousy more, or would you feel none?... it is a distraction, you know, the promise of youthful rebellion that crosby made to stills, or was it nash, but young rode along, not just for the ride, but for the dream… and you know it was just background noise for the party… what happened to the mellow flow of friendship we used to know?... was it all a dream?...

before clarity

perhaps, but then, who can judge - and therein is the rub, and the e...

e, not i, but why?

i mean, why email and not imail... it is internet mail, after all... did bill gates do that?... maybe, but then, the e is electronic, after all, so that's why...

so why here?

start again?...