background noise

see previous entries

2011-09-09T01:32:00.000-04:00

yes, tv, yes, tinnitus, yes, clutter, yes, sleeping on the couch, yes, pain in the neck, yes, missing company, yes, missing sharing, yes, talking to myself, yes, loneliness, yes, not much moved since the last entry... though tonight i spent a couple of hours moving stuff around... the stuff is screaming through the silence... or is that loneliness... tough to tell over the tinnitus...

no0ne

2011-08-09T01:09:00.000-04:00

a typo creates the title that was meant to be none and yet, the zero turning none into no one is so much more poignant, perhaps... for i don't know what to do with the silence... i became so accustomed to having a roommate to look after, to take care of, a girl and her dog, that i don't know what to so with myself now... the tv is the background noise that keeps me from realizing how alone and silent the space has become... the couch is part bed... the space, still so full of her stuff, remains frozen in time... and the background noise that is missing is the loudest sound of all...

they call it, tinnitus

2011-06-16T01:53:00.000-04:00

tinnitus was it's name, not like an old western spoof, but the constant shrieking of banchees coming from the left (not politically, i hope) that even my precise mental control and concentration and focus does not always remove from consciousness, especially late at night or when the blood pressure rises like after meals...

distraction, though, when i really want quiet...

i miss silence...

car troubles

2011-05-25T01:37:00.000-04:00

the ear rings, but life goes on... and though the noise of the transmission and engine are not nearly as stressful and annoying as the noise of the lack of money cuz if money was no object the car would be replaced by a new car every year, but here, now, the car is old and needs major repair or replacing and with life events falling as they have in the last couple of years, giving more away than i have once again, adopting another who drained me of resources, the car is louder than ever and stress could keep me awake at nights...

or is that the sound of the highway calling again...

life is full of it

2011-02-13T00:16:00.000-05:00

new spaces, having moved last week, and the background noises have changed... there's the relatively constant noise of passing cars and trucks as the expressway is just a hundred yards or so from where i sit, so that'll take a bit of getting used to... the place is a lot smaller, so the sounds are closer inside, whatever sounds there are (tv, pipes, cabinets, fridge, air conditioner, and so on)... tv has been more in the background than ever as interest has waned of late, the same old reruns and a few new shows but nothing grabbing me away from whatever else i am doing... and that's just the audible background noise...

work is a constant, almost nagging background noise lately more than ever as the workload just continues to increase while the me as a department of one remains the same... so dominant is the busy-ness of business (working) these days that it is popping up everywhere even in the ancillary blog like this one… that must be a sign of the dull-boy syndrome… i wonder if there is a there a dull-girl syndrome….

everything

2010-06-08T01:51:00.002-04:00

everything outside the head is background noise...

tv tv la la la la tv

2010-04-20T00:44:00.000-04:00

what's that song?... roly poly something... earthworms... also something else... fishheads... yeah, dr demento... and tv, of course, tv to keep the mind distracted from the sleep it craves cuz there's the illusion of sharing on the screen, in the ears, in the eyes, in the mind...

how about you? :}

telemadness

2010-03-25T01:43:00.001-04:00

instead of sleeping, yes, the sandman is at the door of my head and no, i can't always sleep through work tomorrow, but i do love the song that is clearly a craving for nocturnal sharing and that is me...

so craig continues and i close my eyes (only for a moment then the moment's gone)...

suc suk fuc fuk cluc cluk

2010-01-15T02:09:00.000-05:00

sex everywhere, nearly naked people smiling knowingly, you know, knowingly, and all the maturity is nothing but repression, righteous death of the senses, as if that's a good thing... maybe some delusion of a life after death in some skybox is enough for most everybody else (or so they've like us to believe, dumb hypocrits, as if they aren't naked in their lies), but i'll take the sex (but which scantilly clad nubile toned body is not just teasing, liars all) and sensory pleasure in this life cuz why else be alive... you don't want to enjoy the physical, just die and get wherever it is you think you're going...

stop being background noise in your own life...

the news is sick

2009-09-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

every now and then i forget why i don't watch the news, or maybe i just fall asleep for a bit in front of the tube and wake to find the news on and the emotional nasuea soon follows because, after all, it's about people...

i mean, human people...

and you know the foolish trouble they can cause...

i'm not sure if misery really loves company, but i am pretty sure humans love misery... miserable species, those humans...

can i go home now?...

wishing i was somewhere there again...

2009-08-21T23:58:00.000-04:00

missing music, not more than ever, but at least more today than yesterday...

not sure about tomorrow, but still love ya, ya know...

i didn't even notice

2009-07-05T05:57:00.000-04:00

the fireworks this year...

is verizon really better?

2009-06-21T23:54:00.001-04:00

or is it just more communist propaganda?...

air conditioner season

2009-05-08T00:57:00.003-04:00

it's air conditioner season again... the one in this apartment is not as loud as the one in the last apartments and it does not share a wall with my bedroom and the air vents are not totally uncomfortably placed like the last place, so when it is on (which isn't that often since i like the heat so 80 degrees is usually good for me, i mean, the body is 98.6, after all), it's not that instrusive as background noises go... the tv, on the other hand, has returned as the primary background noise...

meaningful nothing

2009-04-13T02:11:00.002-04:00

life is full of noise and most of it is background noise... you decide what is meaningful to you and focus on that and that becomes the noise that matters to you... but from far away, like outer space or somewhere like heaven, it's all background noise...

think about it...

libbo likes tv, sometimes

2009-03-09T22:14:00.004-04:00

i used to watch heroes on monday night... before i started playing softball and gave up tv... recently, i plugged the tv back in (you may have heard, it was in all the newspapers)... but the channel that has heroes does not come in clearly at all... it doesn't matter much, since i am out playing softball a couple of nights a week... tonight i got home early and watched the end of chuck, which reminded me of a show about a guy with nanobots inside, jake 2.0... and though the picture is terrible, memory smiles at the simple escape heroes was for a while... save the cheerleader and save the world... i loved watching the cheerleader run... ah, silly libido :)

the picture isn't good enough to actually enjoy watching, but listening, the story seems pretty much the same as it was that first season i watched... and then another show, seems odd, so anybody ever watch medium out there?...

tv

2009-02-26T01:50:00.000-05:00

the tv is on again... i'm not sure how it happened, or when, even, the thing just plugged itself in and turned itself on... i think it even bought it's own antenna... oh, those tvs can be so tricky...

tinnitus

2009-02-06T06:21:00.002-05:00

constant, steady, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssometimes screaking, sometimes piercing, some time sooooo distracting the world can hardly get in... constant, through every activity, through sleep, waking, every moment, always present...

microwave rib sandwiches

2009-01-16T12:39:00.000-05:00

the trouble with microwave rib sandwiches is that there is something inherently wrong with a sandwich when the bread turns out tougher than the meat...

food

2009-01-09T06:02:00.000-05:00

food is not a fair substitute for sharing, yet it has become the background noise calling my name in the silence simply because no one else does...

background people

2009-01-04T23:55:00.002-05:00

when you stop sharing on a daily basis, you become the background noise of a personal life...

constant screaming

2008-12-24T00:39:00.004-05:00

also known as tinnitus... at least it's only in one ear... i think i hear it more now that i no longer have a tv... among other things...

keeping busy

2008-12-01T01:50:00.002-05:00

keeping busy is just another way to avoid feeling the loneliness of being without a true partner who shares everything with you in this life... and background noise just keeps you from hearing the silence...

dreaming at walmart

2008-11-19T04:58:00.004-05:00

it started in walmart of all places, but soon slipped into a multi-layered world where psychological games and button pushing was (were?) being attempted after i asked to speak to a gm (general manager) to report an unsafe situation and my observation of harassment of an injured employee (he had a bandaged hand due to an on-the-job injury caused by a raccoon or other animal bite that occurred when he reached into a vent to clean the vent and his supervisor was yelling at him repeatedly for not using both hands to do his job)... after i was shown to a waiting area where a girl behind a counter handed me a crumpled paper with personal communications on it and told me to wait, i watched a dozen people called in and some arrived after i did so i asked how they would know who i am or when to call on me if there was no identification information exchanged, i was lead into three different warehouse areas (much like a sam's club layout) and had to ask various people to direct me to the gm's office and was directed further into large warehouse-like sam's-club-like rooms... as i was approaching the third or fourth such entrance to another area, a man started walking beside me pressing on my back... i repeatedly asked him to stop touching me and he started poking me... i stopped and looking around, mostly ignoring him... i woke just as this employee, last name ryer, or something close to that (he refused to show me his nametag), first name might have been rosco, started slapping my face and saying you "you are out of control" and "you are hurting yourself" in an attempt to provoke me and attract attention as if i was hurting myself and he required assistance at which point, arms at my side, i looked at another employee and said "you are witnessing a crime, i want you to call the police"...

dreams...

environs

2008-10-06T18:55:00.001-04:00

fans

light

eeeeeeeeee

heart

buzzzz

dreams

but first you have to find me

2008-09-16T18:53:00.001-04:00

if you do not understand my words...

how could you know...

if there was ever true silence?...

Clarity

2008-08-27T18:54:00.003-04:00

When you stop avoiding the things that are most painful, when you stop avoiding the things that make you feel most helpless, when you address the worst of the pain you inflicted on yourself and others and that which you fear most, you may begin to reach me.

consistency

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-04:00

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

background noise

2008-08-02T02:52:00.000-04:00

and if she came into my life today
would i still be indulging my oral fixation
or would she become the lust of my mouth
and would she provide even better sensation
still best of both worlds would be even better
not a fat lover who would help me die
but a fit lover who would lead to moderation
by being one wiser and stronger than i

does she exist?
someone i missed
lost in the mist
you get the gist

what if i told you it has been years since i kissed someone completely
with abandon and passion that took on a life all it's own
what if i told you it has been years since i knew someone intimately
with as certain as any feeling that i was not alone

there is a pounding in my head
and maybe it is something i ate
but life in this world offers many temptations
without moderation you seal your fate
and if you really want to leave early
then abandon all moderation
and give up everything for me
as i will for you

can anyone?
serious fun?
fifty mile run
and just begun

what if i told you it has been years since i shared trust completely
with unconditional love that made everything alright
what if i told you it has been years since i knew someone that deeply
so long now i wonder if anyone ever knew me at all
all through the night

there is a haunting in my head
and maybe it is a song i heard
hey you
i am out there looking around
all i want is someone to care
to care enough to matter
to actually enter my life
to be a friend in the flesh
to believe in love
and know it
and share it

does it happen anymore?
what else is life for?
all i see are frightened people
running for the door

what if i told you i wanted to trust you
and i wished that you would trust me?
what if i told you i wanted to love you
and i wished you would understand me
the words are way too easy

mind games

2008-07-22T01:11:00.004-04:00

memories are the background noise of the mind, the distractions that play from within like the TV you aren't really listening to, but never seems to go off and then there are the fantasies, the desires and the dreams all becoming questions that tickle and haunt, sooth or grate, from soft down to sandpaper, the constant mind chatter provides a never ending stream of background noise from within... sometimes it might be a song, sometimes a story, sometimes just a glazed over stare into space... all the mind games played with or without our conscious awareness... background noise, mind games, forever...

silent music

2008-07-12T02:54:00.001-04:00

so the joke was on me, but i still seem to have the last laugh because most of the time, nobody gets it… the blessing of such a sense of humor cannot be valued or expressed, but merely enjoyed and appreciated… someday i hope you understand, not me, but yourself… you can listen to the music (if only every song still played, but so it goes… and still i am the only one who knows)…

static

2008-07-02T03:15:00.000-04:00

i believe in love, but i know that nobody cares today, not about me personally in the life i live, not the caring that is a verb… there is limited long distance caring, even from those who live around me, but no investment in the interactions, no compelling concern to help or take notice or truly know… it may be that the world was never meant for one who would die for love, but surely the intensity is not too much for everyone… i wander the streets, the social scenes, the private parties, the dinners and dances and movies and shows… face after face pass before my eyes and so rarely is there eye contact, so rarely is there a genuine smile of caring, no less an action… and perhaps this is the world as i have made it, but still, i believe in love… and i believe i am open to it, actually doing it, and hoping…

natural fool

2008-06-27T03:21:00.000-04:00

the nature of a fool
is to live in distraction
like the old man living by the side of the road
with his whole life in his hands
the nature of the fool
is to live in illusion
like the one just sitting there watching the wheels
go round and round
(as if they'd do anything else)
the nature of the fool
is a turn on or a turn off
depending on how sensitive
or ignorant you are
the nature of the fool
is to live in pretention
like the wandering minstrel playing his songs for free
with belly full, but hungry

so play with yourself as long as you can
don't be afraid of your own love young man
and young girl please be everything you can be
don't let the world tell you that you're not free

the nature of the fool
is to live in exposure
as if naked is a costume that nobody dares to see
and the child laughs just to be
the nature of the fool
is to enjoy the nonsense
cuz it really doesn't matter when you're playing in disguise
so few really use their eyes

and it really doesn't matter if i'm wrong or right
but who ever finds out where they really belong
really now, really, is it all really alright?
of course it is, the fool has his, and he gives us this song

it is the nature of the fool
to see nothing is wrong
for there are no problems, only solutions
get with it now kids
it is the nature of the fool
to never really belong
no matter how much he may have wanted to once
when we were all kids

take care of each other as long as you can
as much as you can care and make it real
and learn from the fool if you cannot understand
he knows you may never know how much he can feel
how good it can feel
to live, to be, to love, to see
the magic moment shared
while everybody laughed or turned away
the fool only cared

your choice

2008-06-12T03:12:00.001-04:00

before you get to thinking anything is real, you should take off your clothes and see if anyone laughs… if you hear silence, then nobody is paying any attention, so why bother, the illusion is nothing if not shared… the real is the moment you touch it, make it a shared experience, and invest yourself in the promise that is a connection… everything else is just background noise, distractions from the distractions of life…

television and lights

2008-06-04T02:43:00.000-04:00

they almost never get turned off here... constant background noise... and disrespect for my wallet... or at least lake of concern and/or awareness... and of course the mess is everywhere, piles of dishes, filthy counters, garbage all over, piles of crap strewn willy nilly, all the more constant background noise and potential distraction... this is where i live... where i sleep... where i sometimes eat... where i bathe... where i keep my stuff... where i drown in background noise and distraction...

dis-traction

2008-05-29T03:10:00.001-04:00

if my hair was longer than yours, and more full and flowing, and more praised and petted, would you want me to be a boy or a girl?... i mean, what would ease your jealousy more, or would you feel none?... it is a distraction, you know, the promise of youthful rebellion that crosby made to stills, or was it nash, but young rode along, not just for the ride, but for the dream… and you know it was just background noise for the party… what happened to the mellow flow of friendship we used to know?... was it all a dream?...

before clarity

2008-05-22T01:02:00.001-04:00

perhaps, but then, who can judge - and therein is the rub, and the e...

e, not i, but why?

i mean, why email and not imail... it is internet mail, after all... did bill gates do that?... maybe, but then, the e is electronic, after all, so that's why...

so why here?

start again?...